I live the gay lifestyle, the gay lifestyle that is often mentioned by some Republican candidates for president. For those who are unfamiliar with the lifestyle, this is a typical day:
7:00 a.m. I wake up, and just as I have done every morning since puberty, I choose to be gay today. This will come as a great relief to my gay, homosexual, male lover who lies beside me. Because being gay is a choice, our relationship is a gamble day to day. Even though we have both chosen to remain gay and to be together every day for the past 16 years, we never take anything for granted. One of us just might throw in the towel one day and give up the lifestyle.
7:30 a.m. I take a gay shower and let the gay water rinse off my gay body.
8:00 a.m. I have a gay breakfast of cereal with milk, and a good, strong, gay cup of coffee. I am fortified for another day of ruining the fabric of American society.
9:00 a.m. I start my morning shift as a gay hospital volunteer. The hospital is not gay, just me. The patients are mostly normal people. But it is OK. The hospital has a rule that all volunteers must sanitize their hands before meeting with patients. This is to avoid spreading germs, but I think that hand sanitizer is also effective in stopping the transfer of my gayness to other people.
12:00 p.m. I return home, eat a gay lunch and take my gay dogs for a walk. Well, I am not sure if the dogs are actually gay. I have heard it said that homosexuality does not exist in the animal kingdom because it is not natural, so chances are that the dogs are not gay. But because they live with me and my gay, homosexual, male lover, they are perceived by others to be gay. I would feel bad about this, but the fact is that I need these dogs. They are the closest that I will ever come to having actual children, because, as everyone knows, gays should not (and cannot) have children. I push this out of my mind as I walk the dogs gaily through the neighborhood.
1:00 p.m. I teach classes at a small, prestigious, liberal arts college. I am a gay college professor. The college is not gay, just me. But some may view the college as way too liberal, because “sexual orientation” is listed within the college’s anti-discrimination policy. This basically means that the college turns a blind eye as I infect the impressionable students with my gayness on a daily basis. I do not teach anything particularly gay in my classes. I am a theater professor, which, for all intents and purposes, is gay to most people, anyway.
6:00 p.m. My gay, homosexual, male lover returns home from his job. Luckily, he has chosen to be gay today, too, so we can sit down and have a nice, relaxing gay dinner together. We are aware that our relationship is ripping at the seams of our heterosexual neighbors’ marriages, but we choose to ignore this. If we were normal people, the guilt might weigh on us heavily, but we are gay, after all, so we do not have consciences. We eat in peace.
8:00 p.m. We go gay bowling at our Suburban Gay Bowling League. There are quite a lot of us homosexuals who gather each week to bowl at our local bowling alley. This makes the normal suburban bowlers uncomfortable, but we do not care. Some of them are openly hostile to us. The more polite ones just stare at us. It makes us feel like we are caged, exotic animals in a zoo. But we count ourselves lucky because the alley owners have sold out. They allow us to bowl here because they are desirous of our ample, disposable gay income. Ah, the almighty dollar! The owners show mercy on the normal suburbanites, though, by putting a buffer zone of two vacant lanes between our gay league and them. We are respectful of this line, which we call the “edge of gayness,” and do not cross it. We try to tone down our gaiety and frivolity by focusing intently on our bowling. The normal suburbanites never venture past their side of the line, either, because it would be unimaginable to them to interact with us.
11:00 p.m. My gay, homosexual, male lover and I collapse from the weariness of the gay lifestyle we have been living today. All of this subversive loving, volunteering, working, eating, playing and socializing is exhausting. Some say the gay lifestyle is self-enslavement, but we just cannot think about that now. Before we fall asleep, we each take out our personal, leather-bound copies of The Gay Agenda. The Gay Agenda is our Bible. We do not look at the real Bible because we are gay and therefore have no religion or morality. We read and strategize how we can best destroy American society tomorrow. Sharing a good, hardy, gay laugh, we each fall into a sound, gay sleep.
- Homestuck: *updates 1 page*
- Homestuck fandom: YOOOOOOOOO *breaks servers*, *fills tumblr with gifs*, *complains about broken server*
- Homestuck: Actual update
- Homestuck fandom: Oh cool.
When they make a black widow movie, the trailer needs to be all mysterious and the song playing needs to be Scarlett Johansson singing a lullaby cover of the itsy bitsy spider
I need this in my life
That sounds fucking terrifying.
The lullaby should be in Russian.
Land of the free home of the rich
What really scares me is that they all have significantly cheaper health care AND education, which means Americans not only make the least, they pay the most.
I realize that Tumblr is made up of mostly a younger generation, that’s why YOU need to pay attention to this, because YOU can make a difference.
I was just reading that college is free in Germany and there’s student discounts on everything. Here we work for beans during college and amass debt to be trained—not educated—but trained to be smart enough to keep this paradigm functioning, yet dumb enough to accept it as it is.
Chris Evans and Stan Lee on the set of The Avengers
#this makes me really sad #because if you ignore the wiring and all the cameras and such #it looks like steve was just at that cafe #and he just happened to encounter one of his old friends from before #and at first he doesn’t recognize him because the man is short and wrinkled and old #but then he looks into his eyes #and they’re a little more worn and a little more sad #but he knows those eyes #and he remembers the laughter that used to play in those eyes #and when the man recognizes him #at first it’s awkward and uncomfortable #because how do you tell what would be an old friend that you’re just like you were when he last saw you #seventy years ago #but then he just gives you this small grin #and he’s got that same laughter in his eyes #and he says ‘long time no see huh rogers’ #and then for just a couple of minutes they’re laughing and talking as if nothing ever happened #as if seventy years hadn’t happened #and in the back of his head steve knows that it’s not the same and that it should be weird #but just for a few minutes#he lets himself forget #lets himself pretend #and just for a few minutes #the future isn’t so bad
Why?! This was such a sweet picture post! DX
People always make nice things so sad!!!
I can make it worse:
"Hey, Steve. What happened to that handsome kid you were always hanging out with? He was kinda smitten with ya."